War and Peace
by premonitioner
Summary: WAR AND PEACE IS MY WEAPON OF CHOICE NOW' It all starts with Sugar and black napkins. [ .Yu . riku. ] [ONE SHOT]


**Heh…I had fun writing this one…**

**War** _and_ Peace

Dedicated _to:_ **Shannon, **my _Yuriku _**shipper **buddy!

"**S**ugar! Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo!" There it was…That wretched song that the wretched girl sang to get on my wretched nerves.

"Ahh, honey, honey! Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo!"

"YUFFIE!" I roared, as the ninja girl pranced around, waving black napkins around her head. She paid me no notice.

"You are my candy giiiiiiiiiiiirl!" And thus begins the cycle again. She only knows those three lines.

"Yuffie, I swear to god, if you don't stop singing that blasted song, I'll"-

"You'll what, Riku-wiku-kun? Eat me?" She giggled and started again. I growled. One of these days, I was going to murder Yuffie Kisaragi.

"I just might…" I mumbled under an extremely loud rendition of 'Ahh, honey, honey'.

A knock at the door signalled visitors. Joy. Not. Sora walked through the door, followed by Kairi.

"Thank the lord. Slightly sane people. Save me." I greeted. Sora grinned, and turned to Kairi.

"Shall we?" he asked. She nodded. They joined hands with Yuffie, and danced around in a circle. Singing the song. I wanted to cry.

Instead, I found the nearest flat thing, which happened to be a hardback copy of _'War and Peace'_. I decided if I banged my head against it hard enough, maybe my life would end. It didn't.

"OW! FUCKING BASTARD SON OF A BITCH WANKING MOTHER FUCKING CUNT!" I said. Correction. Screamed my bloody lungs out in pain. _'War and Peace'_, I had just realised, was to be read, not to bang your forehead against.

At least it blocked out the singing with a ringing noise. Or, maybe they'd stopped singing. I dunno.

But, the stars I was seeing were soon replaced by the face of a worried looking Yuffie.

"You okay, Riku-kun?"

Hurrah! No 'wiku' in there! Ow. Fuck, Riku, don't move.

"I'm fine! I just made my forehead come in contact with an _extremely _thick book repeatedly, and I think I see three of you…Woah…"

Yuffie giggled. I didn't think it was quite so funny.

"Sora, get me some ice. Kairi, go into my room and find a little blue bottle with an orange lid on it. Bring it back here please," she commanded, as the couple went off, and Yuffie brought a digital camera out of no where.

"Hold still, I wanna take a piccy of 'Riku-in-need' and post it all over the internet!"

I glared at her as the flash went off. The light blinded me, and I fell backwards on my seat as the light went off again. When I regained my sight, Yuffie was giving me thumbs up.

"Great footage! It'll be getting comments for weeks!"

Thankfully, (or not) Sora came back with the ice before I could blow up the camera. Yuffie pressed it gently against the large lump forming below my hairline.

"Ouch." I hissed. Yuffie tutted.

"Don't be such a wuss, Riku."

It was the first time she had called me that, without 'wiku' or 'kun' as a suffix. It sounded nice. Yuffie _was_ nice. She was close. Nicely close. I could see every nice feature of her nice face nicely clearly. Her eyes were nice. Her hair was nice. Her cute iddy biddy nose was nice. Her lips were nice. Kissably nice.

My nice thoughts of nicely kissing nice Yuffie nicely senseless were un-nicely interrupted by un-nice Kairi. Damn her.

"Yuffie, I can't find the bottle!" she called. Yuffie sighed, took my hand in hers, and made me hold the ice. She disappeared. I sighed sadly.

Sora grinned and folded his arms triumphantly. It's usually my job to do that.

"What are you smirking at?"

His grin grew wider.

"Yuffie? Really? Your kids are gonna be hyper, grumpy, annoying, killing machines."

"Say wha?"

"Oh,_ come on _Riku! I saw you making your 'I wanna kiss you senseless' face at her! It's so obvious!" he exclaimed.

"I have an 'I wanna kiss you senseless' face?"

"Yep"

"Holy Jesus Christ, Mary, Joseph and the little donkey…" I exhaled. Sora patted my arm.

"You also have the 'I'm going to bury you alive to make you suffer' look. Hey, there it is!" I hit Sora with my free arm. He went down like a stone in the sea.

"Ow! Man down, man down, I need reinforcements! KAIIIIRIIIII!" Girlfriend of the year came running into the living room that I shared with Yuffie.

"What is it _now,_ Sora?"

"Riku's in love with Yuffie! As in, his roommate! _Yuffie!_" Kairi helped Sora up, and proceeded to whack him upside the head.

"I know who Yuffie is, dumb ass." Maybe not so much Girlfriend of the Year.

"Sorry mommy…" Sora mumbled, but, Kairi ignored him.

"Is it true?" she asked me.

"I don't know. Apparently, I was making the 'I wanna kiss you senseless' face at her, and sure, I love her as a _friend_, and, yeah, I love the way her nose wiggles when she eats, and maybe I love the way she twirls her hair around her finger when she's impatient, and sometimes, when we're watching TV, I might put an arm around her, but, _in love_ with her? Nah…"

Kairi picked up 'War and Peace' and it came in contact with the back of my head. That book _so_ doesn't like me.

"Are you quite sure?" she asked. I stared up at her with wide eyes.

"Oh, my god…" I breathed.

"Sora, you were right. I'm so proud of you honey!"

I ignored the lovebirds. I was too busy wondering how the hell I went from wanting to kill her, to the revelation that I _loved Yuffie_?! It was mind boggling. Unfortunately, I didn't find the answer. Yuffie had returned. Here comes the good part.

Kairi's face was poker straight, but, Sora was grinning like a serial killer does when he finds another victim and plans to feed it to his pet chocobo. Kairi elbowed him in the ribs. I think I turned red, but, I was getting a concussion at this point, so, I'm not quite sure. Sora says I was.

"It was in the bathroom. Sorry Kairi!" she said, holding up the coveted blue bottle with the orange lid.

"'Tis quite alright. We had a lovely conversation while you were gone." Smooth Kairi, smooth…

Yuffie titled her head questioningly.

"About what?" Don't let Sora open his big fat mouth, don't let Sora open is big fat –

"About how Riku loves –''

"Sugar!"

Dammit, you two! She _knows_ I don't like sugar!

"But…Riku doesn't like sugar…"

"You're right, he lurffles it!" _Lurffles_?! Kairi, I expected more of you.

"Oh…kay…Anyways! Time for Dr Yuffie to heal her patient! Yeah!" she cried, pumping a fist in the air. If I didn't have a lump the size of Pete's ass (and growing) on my forehead, and another forming on the back of my head, I would have face palmed.

"Yuffie? What _is_ that crap?" I asked the ninja who was pouring yellow goo onto on to a cloth.

"Old Kisaragi formula. Helps bruises and cuts, and other stuff."

"I mean, what's _in_ it?" Yuffie grinned. It was a scary grin.

"You don't wanna know." I stared at her with wide eyes.

"There's his 'get away from me now, or I'll be forced to pull my Keyblade on you' face!" Sora whispered. Kairi rolled her eyes, and picked up '_War and Peace'_. Sora shut up. Wise kid.

Yuffie grabbed the ice from my hand, and furiously rubbed the cloth against my forehead, as a cool feeling came over it. (I was later informed by a grinning Sora that I looked like I was high when Yuffie inspected my head to see if the goo was rubbed in well enough. I felt high.)

"Kairi, why are you holding _'War and Peace'_?" Yuffie asked, as Sora stepped away from his 'Not-so-much-Girlfriend-of-the-year'. She held the book up like she did when she first got her Keyblade (hey, that doll is _dangerous_ with that blade…She can take me and Roxas at the same time…and win…).

"Fuck the Keyblade, 'WaP' is my weapon of choice now, bitches!" Uh-oh…looks like Sora forgot to remind _someone_ to take her crazy pills today…unless…Sora paled immediately. He must be thinking what I am thinking.

"Kairi? Who gave you sugar?" he asked cautiously. Kairi swung 'WaP' around her head.

"NO ONE GAVE ME SUGAR, GOD DAMMIT!" Kairi screamed, and us sane ones, (Yuffie and Sora not included)…wait…then, that leaves just me…anyways, we all flinched. Sora brought out his Keyblade. I would have too, if I wasn't concussed.

"You wouldn't hurt me, Sora…" Kairi threatened.

"I won't, but Yuffie might," he nodded towards Yuffie, shuriken out, "and, I'm aiming for the book."

Kairi hung her head.

"Selphie. She had pocky and pixie sticks. I couldn't help it…" Kairi practically wailed. Sora sighed.

"Okay, Kairi, come on, lets go get you a remedy, okay?" Sora said, laying a hand on her shoulder. Sora said 'okay' twice in one sentence. He was planning something. I knew it. Kairi's face brightened.

"Roxas, you're a pal!" Well, I must say, that confused me. But, not Sora, apparently.

"Dammit, Roxas, why did you have to tell?!" Must be some Nobody thing.

"Sora, you really shouldn't let your Nobody know that you were just gonna take advantage of me, because _your_ Nobody will tell _my_ Nobody, who _will_ tell me." Kairi warned/explained. I was right. Nobody thing.

I started pondering on what I would call my Nobody (if I had one), and what he would look like, when Sora interrupted me.

"Kairi, lets just go and make out, okay?" Woah, someone's sharing a bit too much info today. Kairi shrugged.

"Okay." The sugar must have addled the decision making part of her brain. Definitely.

Off they went, leaving a stunned Yuffie, and a not so stunned me. Alone. In our apartment. Alone. After I realised I loved my roommate, Yuffie. We were _alone_. Well, naturally, I started freaking out. Internally, of course. On the outside, I was as cool as a cucumber! God, that simile sucks…Ah well…

Yuffie grinned at me.

"Well, Riku, dahling, I'm gonna upload these pictures! See ya!" She picked up the camera, turned it off and skipped out of the room. As soon as I felt she was out of earshot, I got up, and danced.

"Sugar! Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo!" Then I stopped. Riku does not sing. Riku does not dance. Riku is grumpy. Riku wonders what his Nobody would be like. (Kirux. Almost identical, except with black eyes and hair, I thought.) My 'Nobody thoughts' were interrupted by Yuffie calling to me.

"Yo, Riku! These pictures are priceless!"

I groaned.

"Hey, I think I might have accidentally been filming when I set the camera down to find the goo! There's a video here! It starts when I call you a wuss! Hee hee!" My eyes raised skywards.

"That's nice, Yuffie! Show it to me later! I'm gonna go and get something to eat!" I called out to her, grabbing my jacket from the chair stationed next to the door opening into the hallway.

"Aw, but, I want you to watch it with me! I'm gonna put it up full blast anyways!" I didn't reply. Yuffie started the video anyways.

"_Yuffie, I can't find the bottle!"_ the computer speakers replayed Kairi's voice to me. I stood in silence for a couple seconds, before I sprinted down the hallway.

"_What are you smirking at?"_ I was almost in the study.

"_Yuffie? Really? Your kids are gonna be hyper, grumpy, annoying, killing machines!"_

I was throwing myself at Yuffie, whose mouth was wide open, in shock, horror,

disbelief, I don't know, and at that moment, I didn't care. All that was going through my head was 'get Yuffie off that chair and away from that computer'.

I got her away from the computer. Not far enough, though.

Yuffie landed beneath me, face down. I fell on her back. The chair toppled and pinned us to the floor with it's legs.

"Ri_ku_! Get off me!" I struggled to get up.

"I can't! The bloody chair is blocking the way!" By now, the computer was getting embarrassing.

"_Riku's in love with Yuffie! As in, his roommate! **Yuffie**!_"

I groaned again. I felt Yuffie's chest expand under mine as she gasped. I started thinking the floor would be a great place to create a Corridor of Darkness. I though, that maybe, just maybe, if I concentrated hard enough, darkness would obey me just once more. Didn't work.

"Aw, _fuck_." The damned computer was playing me now.

"…_in love with her? Nah!" _I watched in horror as the camera caught a bit of Kairi whacking me with 'War and Peace'. "_Are you quite sure?" "Oh, my god." _

"Riku?" I wanted to wail in despair as Yuffie said my name.

"Yes?" I asked timidly. This was humiliating. RIKU DOES NOT DO TIMIDLY. RIKU DOES NOT REFER TO HIMSELF IN THIRD PERSON. ARGH.

"Duck." I was confused with this. However, being the good boy that I am (Ha! That's a good one), I did as I was told. Yuffie threw her shuriken at the wall, and it ricocheted and flung into the legs of the chair. They fell away.

"Get off me _now_, Riku." I stood up immediately.

"_NO ONE GAVE ME SUGAR, GOD DAMNIT!" _ I wanted to smash that god damned computer into smithereens.

Yuffie stood up, and peered up at my (extremely red) face. She smiled.

"So, that's what you're 'I wanna kiss you senseless' face is!" she exclaimed, before pulling the collar of my jacket and smashing my lips with hers.

"_Roxas, you're a pal!_"

Yuffie and I threw our respective weapons at the machinery.


End file.
